The first Jewish President of the United States is elected. The night before the inauguration he calls his mother. “Mom, I’d love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days.” “Oh I don’t know, airfare is so expensive these days.” “Mom, I’ll fly you out on … Read more
I’m sorry this is the dumbest joke I ever heard. $80 an hour? For an actual psychiatrist???? What’s backwards pageantry is this. Even a “counsellor” (who may or may not have real qualifications) charge over $100 an hour. The average psychiatrist doing psychotherapy is probably more like $350 plus. I know it’s a joke but … Read more
A joke from before WW1 A Polish officer on a short leave is approached by a young lady who invites him to spend the night with her. In the morning, she sees him dressing up and ready to leave “Honey! What about the money?” Surprised, he answers “Mam, a gentleman never takes money from a … Read more
A father is asking his 12-year old son if he has any idea who he wants to be when he grows up. The kid thinks for a second, and then says: “I want to be a pool maintenance guy… or a gardener … or a plumber… or a pizza delivery guy.” The father yells to … Read more
Teacher asks class to use the work “definitely” in a sentence. Susie starts: “The sky is definitely blue”. Teacher: “Well, that’s not always true, sometimes it’s cloudy and grey”. David says: “The grass is definitely green”. Teacher: “Sometimes, if it’s not watered, grass turns brown. Finally, Johnny says: “Are farts lumpy?” Teacher: “No” Johnny: “Then … Read more
A husband comes downstairs to find a note on the fridge The note is from his wife. It says, “I’ve made a huge mistake. This isn’t working. I’m sorry.” Immediately, the husband runs upstairs and packs his suitcase. He drives straight to the airport and books the next flight to Vegas. On the plane, the … Read more
Three dogs are in the waiting room at the vet’s, talking about why they are there. The first one, a chihuahua, says “I’m the world’s greatest barker. I bark at everything. Non stop. You name it, I bark at it. My owner thinks if vet cuts my balls off I’ll stop barking, so here I … Read more
Two madmen are locked away in a mental institution and one is furiously writing a letter. The other watches for long while before finally asking, “Who are you writing so intensely to?” The madman looks up with tears and terror on his face. “I am writing this letter to myself.” The other nods. “Yes… That … Read more
A bright little boy was caught masturbating by his mother. She was appalled and very seriously told him he would go blind if he kept it up. The boy was visibly upset and was very frightened by what his mother said. He stopped masturbating for a while. Several weeks later he sheepishly asked his mother … Read more
That one inch… A man is bragging to his wife in front of the mirror: “If my shoulders were 1 inch wider, I’d be like Schwarzenegger!” “Yeah, yeah…” “And if my biceps were 1 inch bigger, I’d be like Stallone!” “Yeah, yeah… And if your penis were 1 inch shorter, you’d be like Madonna.”